O! the blushing whipoorwill:
my laundry is done and it's just so exciting. just so terribly exciting. i purposely bought the non-PC, environmentally damaging laundry soap ("cheer") because it makes your laundry smell like laundry, which is important. the hippie yuppie stuff doesn't make your laundry smell at all. the smell of laundry is one of the best smells in the whole world and i'm not going to be deprived at a time like this.
Tony once again has some great stuff on his blog, this time an essay on how to mend a broken heart. His mind and heart work so differently from mine, I could never follow his advice to the letter--that is, immediately start dating someone or sleeping around after a breakup. However, in spirit, I know what he means. For a guy, a lot of the pain of getting dumped has to do with the sexual ego-damage, and it's good to be reminded you're still hot and whatever. For me, the pain of a breakup has more to do with the death of a dream, the loss of conversation, and a fear of never falling in love again. So, for me, the best way to soothe an aching heart is to dig into new dreams--not romantic ones but fun life dreams; to continue exciting conversation with friends; and to have a new crush. It could be an old crush you drag out from the mothballs, that's OK. You don't even have to necessarily date this person, either. Just talk to 'em, bump into them, feel the flutters again.
I'm a big true-love romantic but I also have crushes from time to time, and they are very comforting to me in times of sadness. A lot of times, my crushes are also feeling sad and lonely and I know I'm not the only one.
My particular line of work, when I'm doing it, certainly provides me with a fairly high-quality stream of crush material. Note: I say crush-material, not BF-material. I've worked in the rock realm long enough to know what's up there. As much as I love rock music, rock culture is the most retardedly lonely, sexually cynical, shallow, boringly male, sexist world in the world. It's a really ugly place and the more money is involved the uglier it gets.
It's funny, though... some of the most memorable love-advice I've gotten has been from rock stars and rock-people:
1. The lead singer of Buckcherry once told me I was codependent, needed to go to Al-Anon, and should give my drunken flame a decisive kick out the door. I guess he should know: He loves the cocaine, and all. I did try Al-Anon once, but the people were so crazy I left there feeling worse than before. (Plus, the God stuff.)
2. The Donnas went "awww" in unison when I told them about getting my heart stomped on once, and then the lead singer told me about their song "I Didn't Like You Anyway," which I think is a bit of Zen brilliance. There's always a moment before you fall in love when you see the person objectively, and all the little annoying things you forget about later. It's useful to remember those things when you need to.
3. Jeff Barry, writer of "Be My Baby," "Sugar, Sugar," and many more, co-architect of my musical/romantic fantasy vision, once told me that I'd spent way too much time with the same guy and it was time to move on. He was so brutal about it, too, which was a terrible shock coming from the man who'd written these lines. Bang shang-a-lang indeed!
4. The manager for Stryper once prayed for me over the phone. It was so awesome. Definitely one of the most moving interview moments yet. She asked me if it was OK if she just started praying for me, and I was like, Let It Rock. She busted out a passionate, heartfelt plea to the Lord on my behalf, and it was so real and so forceful I actually felt something happen in my heart. Something got warm and light inside me. I had never talked to her about my love life, but she said, Kate, there is a dark figure standing next to you, smothering your little light and trying to smother you. Dear Lord, protect beautiful Kate and let her light shine into the world. She has an important gift to bring to the world!
At the time I had no clue I might actually have anything like a gift for the world, but I think she may have been more right than wrong. Even if she was a little freaky and hung up on Christian fanciful boogeymen.
I would like to thank all these people for their cockeyed good will.
But I think Tony knows, maybe better than anyone, that you don't just "get over" someone. You get through it; you get yourself to a point where you actually want to share your heart again, with someone new.
Tony's methods are about survival and avoiding "major depression"--not about magically erasing your feelings for someone. The more you try to do that the more twisted it gets. The only sure methods are lots of time and lots of distance. This is partly why Pamela Anderson can't get over Tommy Lee. They have kids together.
Time and distance. Time and distance. Funny how two forces that don't actually exist can do what nothing else can.