Tuesday, March 09, 2004

WELP, APPARENTLY none of you care about this stuff. Aw, maybe you do. maybe you're just shy. that's ok. i'm shy too.

I'm sick still so I really hafta go back to bed. It's strange to be in bed on this day. This day is a perfect day of heaven. It is quiet where I live, like Sunday, dry and warm; there's this breeze going through my house that smells like jasmine and lemon blossoms, and outside the one million little yellow wildflowers seem to be radiating some light of their own. My landlord is building a fence and a bench for sitting outside my house. I'm so lucky. I had fever dreams this morning that made me feel relieved to wake up: one was a 9/11 nightmare where i was in one of the buildings and I managed to get out in time, but I went into some nearby tall building where i could see everyone in the other building getting ready to die. It was awful. everyone was naked and burned and some people were making out, some people were making some kind of collage of a girl's face and a flower. i couldn't believe how people will make art in the worst of circumstances. of course, it was just a dream.

I think I dreamed it because of the Bush advertising campaign that the 9/11 families are upset about. I wonder if his utter lack of taste and humility will, at any point, be his downfall?

(Or maybe it was because thursday it will be exactly two and a half years. for some reason, two and a half years is an important time increment to me. I lived in Prague two and a half years. I dated someone two and a half years.)

Then I dreamed I was living with my parents again. I had no money and I had to live with them, but I had been living with them for so long that it had stopped seeming weird. I wondered if I would ever find the strength to live on my own again. In my room the walls were peeling huge sheets of paint and I had no storage. I won't go into the details but I felt powerless. It was such a blessing to wake up and to know I have my own home, that I pay for, and my own friends here, and a garden, and the walls are fine, and I have decent storage. I think that dream was a sort of flashback to high school.

i never had enough storage.


fever dreams are weird.

i have to go pass out.



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