Monday, December 09, 2002

Hi, Milky Way Baby:

Hate to be a total Cunt, but come on.

I get this press release in the mail for a band--let's call them Blink-183, to protect the guilty. Blink-183 are on a major label. Their picture shows four supercute rock boys with Strokes hair and little sneakers, dark jeans, little T-shirts. Really fucking original, guys.

Here is what their press release says. It's very hip.

"There's a new sound rising from the wild, wild mid-west.

It's the pulse of edgy pop-rock sung with unfettered emotion. It's pinprick hooks toughened by crunchy guitars and aggressive solos. It's songs that burrow into your head and stay there.

It's Blink-183, an Oklahoma band whose self-titled debut album will be released blah blah on Dreamworks Records...."

Can you believe that shit? I mean, strictly on a writing level, this thing is breaking like seven major laws and committing at least two mortal sins. They include:

1. Use of the phrase "the pulse of..."

2. Use of the word "edgy" in any context

3. Use of tired constructions ("Unfettered emotion")

4. Use of "crunchy" in any context (except food writing)

5. Use of a meaningless catchphrase ("pinprick hooks")

6. Use of cliched imagery ("songs that burrow into your head and stay there")

Words are like little workers. When they are tired and overused, it is cruel to force them into labor. They can no longer do their job, and it hurts them to be so ineffectual. It is not their fault they have become cliches. It is your fault. Let them rest, and pick on some newer, fresh words that are wagging their tails to get in the frisbee game.

The press release also commits another mistake, by revealing the idiocy of the band members:

"Their material is generally derived from real life. Says lead singer X, "It all comes from my ex-girlfriends. All my songs are about simple relationship bullshit. There are different scenarios to each song, so you've got pretty much every fucked-up thing that can happen in a relationship."

You are truly blowing my mind.

I listen to the record with open ears, though, because I'm always looking for new, good music. But, of course, it's insultingly radio-sucking KROQ-ready tripe. Oh well.

Axel and I had our music listening party on Friday and I discovered Soundtrack of Our Lives.

That made up for it.

OK bye already.



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