Monday, January 13, 2003

Hi Fussbudgets



Been going thru something weird, and I winder if you can relate.



No, I can't seem to put words to it.



(winder??)



It's like... I haven't been able to do my blog properly in months. And the reason is something very weird that I just discovered. For a long time I thought nobody was reading it, and so i had a merry time doing it for my own fun. Then people read it and seemed to like it. And then I got totally paralyzed.



I might have a problem with approval.



As soon as people seem to like me, I get scared that they're going to stop, and so I purposely sabotage myself so that they don't like me. Then I can say, well, I did it on purpose.



Another twist on the problem is that for the first time in maybe my whole life, I am working on two major projects that I care about passionately. They mean something to me. They are not money gigs I'm doing to fund my own work; they are my own work. They come straight from my guts. The problem is that now I am stressed out in a way I never was before. I am getting gray hair and smoking too much, getting road rage and snapping at my dog. I always thought doing my own thing would be somehow liberating and floaty. But it's actually scary. I am terrified of fucking up. If I fuck up, I can't blame any editor. And so every day I fight the urge to fuck it all up.



I am awed by people who can embrace opportunity and success with courage and ease, or at least appear to. Who can go, hey, this is the shit I've been dreaming of. This opportunity may not come again--let's rock the show!



Mad props to those people, yo.



Can anyone else relate to this? I'm not proud of it.



I think the french must have a word for this.



There is a store on Santa Monica called Don't Panic. That should be my mantra for the next couple months. Don't panic. Chill the fudge out.



Yo, chill that fudge out on the counter.



If nobody read this blog, I would have written a long time ago about Avril Lavigne, of course. Like, what the fuck is up with that strange digital aftertaste to her voice? Is that the scent of ProTools? Something is going on with her voice and it's very cold and steely.



Welp, now it's time to go work on the work. Thanks for listening.



Do you like the Christina Aguilera song "Beautiful"?



your

Kate









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