Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch:
This is from the fabulous Red Clay. And I would just like to say that I think it's tragic how some people don't like to wear cheese:
First dates sketch.
O.K., first dates.
And not the good kind.
All my friends, they want me married, where I can't do any damage. So, they meet me out, and leave me with a young lady. They went to use the phone, and apparently couldn't find it, because they didn't come back. They left me with this young lady, but I wasn't too unhappy. She was pretty as the picture you paid a yankee 50 dollars to take. And she smiled sweet, and we sat down.
First thing she asked was "What have you done for the enviroment lately?" Lord help me. I told her, I decided not to have no children, there wasn't anybody could ask me to do no more than that. She had some trouble with this. She knew it was supposed to be funny, but she couldn't see anything but taillights.
So she was a Vaygun.
She didn't eat no meat, nor wear it, nor cheese, nor alcohol. I was wondering what she would eat, the list was so long, she didn't have much past manna left. Talk about militant. I've seen Baptist preachers didn't push so hard, nor expect so much. I'm thinking, maybe I need to go find that phone myself, she'd probably be prettier out of earshot. She's starting to make my head ache, and my eyes water.
The waitress comes. "Didn't she find waiting on men demeaning?" And she sets to ordering. "Not this, but that. And leave off this, and add that, and don't let it get close to this, and did you know chicken feels the same fear as us?" The waitress is looking at me, and fixing to cry. So I did they only thing I could.
Gimme the biggest, rarest steak you got, 2 steps from screaming, bloody as a hemophiliac shaving for the first time. And shrimp. And if you can think of anything else to kill for me back there, I got a hammer in the car.
So the waitress gets all giggeldy, and the girl lets her go, and turns on me. "Would you eat your brother?" I don't think you and me both could take him, and if we got lucky and did, he'd be stringy as all hell. "And didn't I know drinking was bad for me?" Might be bad for you, honey, but it makes me taller, and everybody else better looking. If it did any more for me, I'd never stop. On and on, till I almost started to enjoy it. Tough crowd, but at least I was amused. Lord God, she ate slow.
Taking her home, I'm thinking about the rubber I'm going to lay down leaving, lay it down thick as speed-bumps. And at the door, I'm leaning toward the car, and damnif she didn't ask if I was going to call.
I told her, soons I find a phone.